Be Patient
Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give you bottom time to get to know you and what you like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
Be Humble
You may be God’s or Goddess’ gift to the world, but no one needs or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Do not set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
Be Open
Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
Communicate
You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian Roulette. Talk about your head-space and you review of SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
Be Honest
If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
Be Sensitive
There’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominate and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of you needs and fantasies, and your bottoms needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
Be Realistic
End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, no just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don¹t try to imitate them to the last detail.
Be Really Dominant
Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from ads or stereotypes. Your dominance enhances you whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect them to give themselves up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don¹t shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role – now take it!
Be Healthy
Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don¹t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of ³drugs and alcohol don¹t affect me that much…I can do it anyway² violates your submissive¹s trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don¹t want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn¹t be playing the game!
Have Fun
After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.
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